Sock Thievery
by l0chn3ss
Summary: SoMa Week 2k16 Day 5- Red String of Destiny - Maka's cat Blair has been bringing her gifts consisting of mens socks and finally underpants for at least a month. This is crack.
**A/N:** I said I'd do it, and there you go wingsof-flame, _I did it..._ This was inspired by a post that wings tagged me in on tumblr. I even managed to write crack for late soma week; yup, this is SoMa Week 2016: Day 5- Red String of Destiny

Thank you to makapedia , sandmancircus , and spainambriz for your eyes and for keeping me going~

* * *

It started with a sock.

It was smelly. Used. Dirty. _Nasty_. It tainted the air whenever it moved and Maka swore it tarnished the wooden plank where she found it. The thing was rancid and most certainly not hers or BlackStar's—Star was strangely always careful with his clothes; they were hand-me-downs that he sewed together with patches useable materials that moths hadn't gotten into. That sock was just straight up _gross_.

The next thing she found was another sock, one of another design, gently spread upon her clean delicates. God bless her neighbors if they heard her screech, because she sounded like a banshee who was out to force death onto someone prematurely. Still, she couldn't bear to throw away her very expensive boy-shorts from Target, so she chucked the entire batch of laundry back into the machine, including the two mix-matched socks that had somehow made their way into her home. Moses _please_ save her water bill.

Continuing on through the month, she found a new sock or two or five every week: one on the arm of her couch (she poured bleach on the spot), two in the sink (Lysol is her friend), and a few littered on her newly folded sheets. Breathe girl, chill. Don't breathe in the sock, chill. It's just a _sock_. It's just fifteen- _seventeen_ socks.

Maka was getting more and more confused (if not irritated at the sudden skyrocketing cost of cleaning products) at the sudden gifts from the sock monster. But after retrospection, she would have preferred that the socks remained just socks.

Shit hit the fan when her adolescent cat walked in with bright green briefs in her mouth while Maka was sorting through the existing socks, attempting to pair them up. They made eye contact for the briefest (heh) of moments, and then Blair the cat sauntered to Maka's laundry basket by her drawers. She dropped the zigzag patterned undies onto Maka's favorite muscle tank and met her owner's eyes again, not breaking contact once, as she patted the cotton Hanes flat with her jelly bean paws. Maka stared onwards as the little devil stretched a mighty stretch and yawned a mighty yawn, then perched her fluffy head upon the crotch.

 _Hallelujah_.

No matter how many balls of socks Maka threw at the black mass on top of green-as-Maka's-green-eyes green briefs, Blair didn't budge or bother to twitch an eye. After the last sock bundle was thrown, Blair opened a single eye, winked, took a deep sniff of her "bed," and safely fell asleep.

God was dead and Blair had killed Him.

Maka charged into BlackStar's room without bothering to knock, carrying Blair by the scruff of her neck, while the cat held onto the panties for dear life.

"Star. I found the little sock fairy. And she is no fairy."

" _Privacy_!" BlackStar screamed, trying to rebutton his pants with one hand and flinging a blanket on his bed buddy with another.

"Hi, Kilik!"

"Hey, Maka," came the sheepish, muffled peep from under the sheets.

"And good morning, Patty!"

"Sup, bae."

"Anyway, Star, I found—"

"Can you just please step out for like two seconds, Maka, I'm begging you."

They talked after BlackStar threw on a hoodie and successfully convinced the two others to hide away in his closet. There were a lot of "I told you these dude socks weren't mine or Kilik's" and a lot of "shit man then who's undies are these" and even more "we're a size small and these are definitely mediums" and finally "I would never buy these from Target what the heck kinda fashion failure wears undies from Target."

Maka deposited Star's body back onto his bed and slammed the door shut, locking Blair with the rest of them. She stifled a groan of discontent and threw the briefs onto Star's growing pile of laundry. If they were going to be burdened with it, they may as well make sure it was clean. But none of them were ready for the horrors that lurked in Star's closet.

The story continued on with a shriek and a slap from his room—a shriek from Kilik and a slap from Patty. Maka ran to the scene, throwing the door off its hinges (not really, but it would be gliding through the air if it weren't attached to the frame). Kilik was perched on a pile of clothes that did or did not belong to Star, and his cheek was bright red from Patty's strong hand.

"Damn. Slapping people to shut them up always works on TV," she mused.

"What's going on? Did y'all finally see Star's three inched glory?"

"It's not the size, it's how you use it," Patty reminded Maka delicately.

"Star keeps used undies in his closet," Kilik said as he climbed down the pile. "One of them was wet."

"Wet?" BlackStar repeated incredulously.

" _Moist_ ," Kilik confirmed, gingerly poking at the underwear. "I'm pretty sure it was these ones."

Patty playfully hid behind Maka, peeking her head over Maka's shoulder with curiosity. "What are they wet with?"

"I don't want to know," the other three said quickly.

"These definitely aren't mine though." BlackStar wrinkled his nose. "I think these and half that pile don't belong to me."

"But _who_ …"

Blair, their sweet scandalous adolescent cat, held the answers to their question. She hopped onto the pile, raising her hind leg with every ounce of her elegance she could muster, and the four friends screamed after her.

A couple of hours later, they gathered their stacks of fliers and set out to find the owner of the missing not-so-delicates. On every lamp post and every door, they stuck a small leaflet stating "Are You Missing Underwear?" hoping that someone would soon answer their call. And towards dinner time, Blair came in with a red hemmed sock, and a boy chasing after her.

The boy was young, or about Star and Maka's age. His shoulders were wide and his lean muscles were showcased by the tank top he was wearing. The Nike shorts he sported were definitely mediums. Yeah, he was a white haired piece of fine specimen.

BlackStar opened the window for him. "Come in, bro. You might need to sit down for this one."

Kilik sighed and opened the door for him instead. "Really though, you need to sit down."

The boy was slightly out of breath, but he stepped into their strange house, residence of two and weekend retreat for many. Patty pointed at the shoe pile by the door and not-so-gently told him to hand over his yeezys. He surrendered them easily, just wanting to see his missing clothes for the first time in a long while. By the time he reached the living room and shoved a long red string into his pocket, Maka turned in her armchair, stroking Blair in her arms, who wore bright blue-as-Star's-hair blue underpants with her head poked out of one leg hole and her tail poking through the other leg hole. Blair looked prouder than she deserved to be in that moment while she continued to gnaw at the sock that she recently claimed.

"We'll leave you two alone," Patty said, pushing Star and an unwilling Kilik upstairs. " _Knock_."

Maka nodded grimly to the disappearing trio, then addressed the victim. "Hello, neighbor. I'm sure you found our fliers."

"I caught your cat red handed honestly. The string of the sock caught on my cheap desk while the cat was making its escape, and I followed the red thread all the way back here-" The boy finally got a good look at the ground in front of him. The entire living room floor was covered in carefully placed socks and underwear and there was easily three weeks worth of laundry from what he could count.

"Please sit, I know this is all a very big shock to you." Maka stood to hand him water. "It's not your fault, it's Blair's."

He went through all five stages of grief in one go. His ears turned red and then his face drained of color, and then he just laid back against the cushions in pure acceptance.

Kilik poked his head from the corners of the house. "Same buddy."

"Can-"

"Yes please," Maka patted him on the back. " _Take them._ "

"No… can I just… take a picture of this moment? My brother will never believe me unless I have proof."

He was a broken man, and Maka had no choice but to agree to his dying wish. When he took out his phone and flicked it to camera mode, Blair shook off the underwear and gently laid it upon the rest of the stash. Then, she sat right next to it, posing with her paws on her favorite.

"Just get it over with," Maka encouraged him. "She's a little shit."

The camera app made its shutter sound, and he shoved it back into his pocket without checking the image.

"Thank you for returning them all to me. This entire time, I thought it was a peeping tom out to steal boys' underpants."

"It was a peeping tom alright. Though this is a tabby."

"Ha. _Funny_."

"May I know the name of the guy my cat has been stealing from for the past month?" Maka offered her hand in apology. "She's not bad once you overlook her mischievous nature."

"Soul, and you are?"

"Maka. Oh, this wasn't all of it by the way."

Soul squeaked, "There's more?"

"There's more; it's in BlackStar's room."

A scream, a slap, and a very relieved Kilik later, Soul was able to retrieve his clothes and shove them all into an extra laundry bag courtesy of Maka. He thanked her profusely, blushing and carrying words of apologies to Patty and Star as he made his way to the front door. He had no chill- no amount of cool could save Soul today.

Maka handed him her business card as he tugged on his shoes quickly. "Call me if anything else is missing. Maybe your brother's stuff will be here too."

"No… it was just mine. But here, let me give you my number in case you find anything else," he said, shooting daggers into Blair as she looked up with innocent eyes.

"Don't worry, we're moving soon. We'll let you know and then we'll be out of your hair."

Soul looked up quickly. "Y-you're leaving?"

"No, no- well kind of. Star is moving in with his friend Tsubaki for reasons unknown, and I can't manage this entire house alone. I'll be moving to the apartments down the street. Rest assured, we'll be out of your hair, won't we Blair?"

Before Blair could meow in response, Soul hastily said, "Can you take me out to lunch before you move then? To compensate me for stealing my stuff. Because it costed me a lot of worry, you see!"

Maka blinked.

"Of course she will!" Patty agreed. "In fact, she would love to!"

"I/She would?" BlackStar and Maka said together.

"Why don't you pick her up this weekend before she has to get her shit together?"

"Sounds good. We can text over the details. I'll see you then."

"You're doing what?" BlackStar and Maka said together as the door clicked shut. "What?"

Patty slapped BlackStar on the back before making her way to his room. "We gettin' our girl laid, son."

Maka went to sink back into her armchair. Just let Jesus take the wheel, she prayed. Jesus didn't answer her- it was _Blair_ who did. The little troublemaker jumped onto Maka's lap with a single sock in her mouth, the latest one she stole that was unraveling, red seams falling apart all around her that could be traced back all the way to Soul's pockets.

It was like destiny was pulling them together, and Maka followed that fluttering strand all the way back to Soul who was barely at the end of the block. In another week, they found that they were next door neighbors in the apartments on George Street.


End file.
